


starry starry night

by foxesjosten



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Art History, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 03:30:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21229058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxesjosten/pseuds/foxesjosten
Summary: "Now I understandWhat you tried to say to meAnd how you suffered for your sanityAnd how you tried to set them free"a short fic based off of don mclean's song vincent because it makes me think of neil!





	1. Chapter 1

_Starry, starry night_  
_Paint your palette blue and grey_

Mr. Keating’s lesson on Vincent Van Gogh was a brief affair. It hadn’t even been a full lesson. Keating had once said that the arts and their beauty were what truly kept us alive, but during this particular lesson he seemed to contradict himself. Yes, art and romance are what so many of us stay alive for. However, beauty and poetry and love aren’t always enough to keep people going. 

These things had not been enough to keep Van Gogh alive. Keating had told his class that Van Gogh had spent his short career as an unappreciated and poverty stricken individual. It was only after his death, a suicide, that his art had begun to become appreciated. If you asked someone about Van Gogh today, they would know is name. They would know the name of his works and the influence they’ve had on the world. Vincent Van Gogh had died a nobody and managed to become somebody in death. Something about this lesson had left Todd slightly unsettled.

Neil, on the other hand, had been inspired. He’d caught up to Todd after their English class and told him that he was going directly to the school’s library and was planning on taking out as many books on Van Gogh as the library would allow. This impromptu library trip had meant that Todd was walking back to their dorm alone. A lonely walk for Todd meant a walk full of anxious thoughts and averted gazes. _Oh yeah,_ Todd thinks. _Van Gogh is most definitely on my shit list right now._

-

_Now I understand_  
_What you tried to say to me_  
_And how you suffered for your sanity_  
_And how you tried to set them free_  
_They would not listen, they did not know how_  
_Perhaps they'll listen now_

“Todd!” Neil shouts as he enters the dorm. Todd had been dozing off in a desk chair when Neil had finally returned from the library. His history homework had begun to actually bore him to sleep. 

“What time is it?” Todd asks as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. 

“It’s seven o’clock, Todd. How long have you been out?” Neil asks as he sets down a stack of books on the desk Todd is seated at. 

_Library books, right. Neil was at the library._ Todd thinks to himself. The books have more than their fair share of wear and tear, but Neil doesn’t seem to mind. Neil was the type of person that would prefer to do research using a book with torn out pages versus using the internet anyday. Just another part of his never-ending charm. 

“Earth to Todd?” Neil asks as he claps his hands in front of Todd’s face. 

He hadn’t meant to zone out thinking about Neil, especially with him standing right there. “Sorry. Uh, how was the library? Did you find what you were looking for?”

“Oh boy, did I! Todd, I wish you would’ve came with me. I’ve spent the past four hours looking at some of the most amazing pieces of art!” Neil exclaims. 

“Sorry I missed it,” is all Todd can say and he means it. He really is sorry that he missed whatever had put Neil in this type of mood. Todd lived for nights like these. Nights where Neil walked around like he ruled the place. Nights where Neil’s excitement began to make its way over to him as well. These kinds of nights erased the lonely walks back to the dorm with ease.

“No reason to be sorry because you haven’t missed anything, my friend! Look at all the books I’ve brought back!” Neil says as he motions to the stack precariously perched on the desk. “They’re not just for me, but for you too!”

“Me?” Todd asks quietly. 

“Yes you!” Neil shouts back in glee. “I wanted you to see what I’ve been looking at. I want you to learn what I’ve learned!”

“And what exactly have you learned?” Todd asks with a smile. Neil’s energy was starting to become his as well. 

“What _haven’t_ I learned?! God, for example, did you know that Van Gogh didn’t actually cut off his whole ear? It was only a small part of his ear lobe!” Neil explains. 

“Van Gogh cut off his ear?” Todd replies. He was positive that Keating hadn’t mentioned anything about the guy’s ears. 

“Todd, we just went over this. Please keep up.” Neil whines.

“Sorry.”

Neil pushes on to another fact. “Did you know that in only ten years Van Gogh had made about 900 paintings?”

“900?” Todd asks. _Okay, that is pretty impressive._

“900! Could you imagine it, Todd? That would be like you writing 900 poems!” Neil exclaims.

900 poems? He could barely get one out in class, nevermind 900. “That’s a lot of poems, Neil.” Todd says.

“Well, if anyone could do it, it would be you.” Neil replies.

Todd scoffs at that one. “I doubt that.”

“Don’t!” Neil says. “Don’t doubt yourself! Do you remember what Mr. Keating said earlier?”

Keating had only talked about Van Gogh for a short part of today’s class. Todd’s head was filled with other names and dates from earlier that day. There was no way he was following Neil’s thought process. “I’m gonna need you to be a little more specific, Neil.”

“Right, sorry. He said that Van Gogh had been very unsuccessful during his career, but I wanted to know just how unsuccessful he was. Do you know what I found, Todd?” Neil says.

“What did you find?”

“He only sold one painting during his entire career. Can you believe that? He makes masterpiece after masterpiece and yet, he only sold one piece!” Neil tells him. 

One painting, huh? Perhaps Van Gogh was a bit more relatable than Todd had previously assumed. “Talk about doubt, he probably doubted himself a ton.” Todd mutters. 

“Exactly my point! But Todd,” Neil starts as he reaches for the book on the top of his stack. He spends a minute or two locating what he’s looking for. When he finds it, he holds the book towards Todd and points at one specific painting. _The Starry Night_ “Look at this. Isn’t this the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?”

The Starry Night was a mixture of colors and movements spilled onto a page right in front of Todd Anderson. He’d be lying if he said that the painting didn’t make him feel something, but he can’t seem to pinpoint just what exactly it’s making him feel. For once, he isn’t overwhelmed. As much as he expected to be, Todd is not overwhelmed at the sight of The Starry Night. If anything, the blues and yellows on the page make him feel calm. But as beautiful as The Starry Night was, it was certainly not the most beautiful thing Todd had laid eyes on. No, something else had taken that title a few months ago. Or rather, _someone_ had taken that title. “It’s definitely up there.”

“_Up there?_ What could be more beautiful than this?” Neil asks as he looks away from the painting and towards his roommate. Todd’s throat goes dry at the unexpected eye contact. 

“Tell me more.” Todd asks as he looks away from Neil.

“What?”

“About Van Gogh.” Todd says. “I want to know more about him.”

“But-” Neil starts.

“You said he only sold one painting before he died.” Todd interrupts. He’d let too much slip. There was no way that he could say what he was really thinking. He had to bring attention back to the topic at hand. Neil never had to know what he was going to say. “Why? Why only one?”

“I-” Neil stops. “I don’t know. His popularity came after his death.”

“His death. He…” Todd trails off. He didn’t have to do the research Neil had done to know what fate Vincent had suffered. Keating had filled them all in on that one.

“Yeah.” Neil nods, understanding. “He killed himself.”

“That’s terrible. You’re right, you know. His work really is beautiful.” Todd says as he takes another glance at The Starry Night. Perhaps he _would_ take a look at the books Neil brought back for him. 

“Terrible. Yeah, it really is terrible that he died like that.” Neil agrees. “You know, apparently his last words were ‘The sadness will last forever.’ There’s been some questions about translations and things of that sort, but those were basically it. The sadness will last forever. He was sick, you know? And life was very hard on him.”

Neil’s excitement dies out on his last sentence. Another emotion begins to take hold of the room in its place. Sadness. And unfortunately, Neil’s sadness was just as contagious as his excitement and joy were. 

“I’m sorry, Neil.” Todd says. It’s the only thing he can think of to say. 

“Why are you apologizing?” Neil asks, confused. “Or better yet, why are you apologizing to me?”

“It just seems like you’re taking this all very hard.” Todd replies.

“I guess I am,” Neil laughs. “The man has been dead since 1890 and yet, I’m managing to find a way to be upset over it how many years later. Pretty selfish of me.”

Selfish? The words “Neil” and “selfish” were almost never used in sentences together unless the word “isn’t” was placed between them. “That’s not selfish. You’re allowed to be upset over things like this.”

“I just…” Neil pauses. Todd is beginning to realize that something is wrong a few seconds too late. “I don’t know. I feel like I get it, you know?”

“Get what?”

“How he felt. Life has not been anywhere near as cruel to me as it was to him, but I still feel it.” Neil explains. “Sometimes it feels like this sadness really will last forever and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. It just makes me feel even more trapped than I already feel.”

“Because of your dad?” Neil’s father seemed to constantly put an end to the things that brought his son happiness. It had been the newspaper editor’s position at the beginning of the year and more recently, it was Neil’s future profession. He did not approve of his son’s passion and it seemed like he would not stop until he put an end to the idea of Neil growing up to be an actor. 

“Yeah.”

The lack of passion in Neil’s voice brings a lump to Todd’s throat. He doesn’t like this lifeless version of his best friend and he absolutely despises the person who seems to always bring it out in him. “It won’t last forever.”

Neil had gone and sat on his bed with his back against the wall, eyes closed. Todd’s voice had caused them to open. “What?”

Todd wonders how long the room had been silent before he’d spoken. “The sadness. It’s not going to last forever.” Todd says.

“How do you know?” Neil whispers, eyes closing once again. 

“I won’t let it.”

“You won’t let it?” Neil chuckles. “What are you going to do? Fight off my constant dread?”

Maybe it’s the residual anger from talking about Mr. Perry or maybe it’s Neil’s strange lack of confidence tonight, but something makes Todd feel brave. Assertive. “If I have to, yeah. I will.”

“My hero.” Neil laughs again even more bitter than the first. Bitterness did not suit Neil Perry. 

Todd barely speaks above a whisper with his next reply. It’s a voice he’d been using for years when he wanted to speak, but didn’t have the courage to. It was the voice that no one ever heard. “If only.”

“What?”

_So much for the voice no one ever heard._ “Nothing.”

“No, don’t do that.” Neil says as he looks at Todd.

Todd has to look away from his friend again. Neil was pulling this conversation into dangerous territory once again and Todd wasn’t sure that he could escape unscathed this time. “Do what?”

“This is the second time you’ve tried to run away from something you’ve said during this conversation alone.” Neil replies. “What did you say, Todd?”

None of his previous bravery was going to return tonight, so Todd decides to settle for the next best thing. False bravery. “I said ‘If only.’ If I could be your hero, I would. You know? If I could make this all hurt a little less, I would.”

“You would?” Neil asks. 

It’s not even a question to Todd. How could it be? “Of course I would. If I could feel all of this instead of you, I would.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The room falls silent once again. Todd hopes it’s for good this time. There’s no telling what he would say next if Neil asked.

“You know, Don Mclean wrote a song about Van Gogh?” Neil asks, breaking the short silence.

“Did he?”

“Yeah.” He says. “He called it Vincent. You should listen to it some time.”

“Okay, maybe I will.” Todd says.

“Okay,” Neil nods. “Hey Todd?”

“Yeah?” 

“Thank you.” Neil says.

What was there to thank him for? “For what?”

“For being here. Thank you for always being here. I-” Neil stops.

Todd knows he shouldn’t let it happen, but Neil’s pause pushes a small bit of hope towards the surface. What is Neil trying to tell him? “You what?” 

“I uh, I appreciate you.” Neil finishes awkwardly.

_Oh. Of course. Silly Todd._

“Oh. I appreciate you too, Neil.”

-

_For they could not love you_  
_But still your love was true_

Todd’s rankings had changed tonight. The Starry Night had moved down a few notches on his beauty scale. The painting wasn’t the only thing that had been knocked down a peg or two. Tonight revealed a new front runner. 

Neil in his Welton uniform? Beautiful. Neil in his glasses? Beautiful. Neil Perry in general? Beautiful. 

Neil Perry on stage? Breathtaking. Stunning. The most beautiful sight Todd had ever laid eyes on. If only the bliss had lasted. 

It turned out that Mr. Perry had come to see his son perform. He’d slid quietly into the back of the theater about halfway through the show. He’d refused a playbook and stood as still as a statue throughout the whole thing. He did not utter a single word to anyone. Not until after the show at least.

Todd, Mr. Keating, and all of his friends had been waiting for Neil outside the theater. They’d briefly caught up with him inside before he’d gotten swept up in a cast celebration. He told his friends to wait for him. He must not have caught sight of his father yet.

The next time Todd sees Neil, he knows something is wrong. Mr. Perry had not been in Todd’s line of sight yet, but he could tell just by the look on Neil’s face that something had gone terribly wrong. Only something truly awful could have sucked that much joy out of one person in such a short amount of time. He should have known who had done it. Only one person could dull Neil when he was shining that brightly. 

“I’ll see you later.” Neil says to Todd in passing. His father doesn’t let him stop. Mr. Perry, thankfully, hadn’t heard Neil utter a word. 

Todd, like the others, didn’t hear a word of what Mr. Perry had said to his son before dragging him through the sea of people and shoving him into the car. Todd hadn’t heard and didn’t care to hear what God awful things Mr. Perry would have to say tonight. He didn’t want to hear a single word unless it was positive. His negativity didn’t matter. What mattered was Neil. What mattered was that he didn’t get the chance to celebrate with the people who had supported him since day one. It seemed that Mr. Perry had, once again, wrecked another one of Neil’s attempts at happiness. 

I’ll see you later.__

_I hope so, Neil._


	2. Chapter 2

_They would not listen,_  
_They're not listening still_  
_Perhaps they never will_

He should have been back by now. Todd knows it, but he doesn’t want to think it. He doesn’t want to think about what Neil’s father has said or done to him tonight. He’d been waiting up for Neil for two hours. 

_Something is wrong._

He could go to the others. He could ask Charlie if he’d heard from Neil. Or maybe Knox had seen him on his way back with Chris. Todd could involve the other poets in his almost meltdown, but he won’t. He doesn’t want to worry anyone else. Todd doesn’t want to spread the prickly panic he feels growing larger and larger with every passing minute.

_Something is wrong._

If he called Neil’s house it would only make things worse, he knows this. But how else could he inquire about Neil’s whereabouts? Neil had said that he would see them later. He would see Todd later. So where was he? Where had Neil gone? 

_He wouldn’t, would he?_

Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

-

_And when no hope was left in sight_  
_On that starry, starry night_  
_You took your life, as lovers often do_  
_But I could have told you, Vincent_  
_This world was never meant for one_  
_As beautiful as you_

A couple of months into the school year and Todd had finally taken his first run around campus. He’d told himself every morning that he should consider getting out of bed early and taking a run. Wasn’t that kind of stuff supposed to be good for you?

All Todd knows is that this particular run is going to send him into an asthma attack if he doesn’t stop soon even though he’s pretty sure that his last asthma attack happened around age twelve. His lungs are burning. The panic that started in his chest has now spread to his stomach and his hands. His hands are trembling. Maybe it’s an anxiety attack. 

_He has to be here,_ Todd thinks as he makes his way up a flight of stairs. He’d been all around campus. This was the last place he could think of looking. 

_Bingo._

“Neil! Neil, God damn it! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Todd shouts. He can’t stop the anger from slipping into his voice. It’s most stern he’s sounded in ages. “What are you doing?” 

He feels like an idiot for asking. It was very obvious what Neil was doing. He was on the roof of one of Welton’s buildings and he was alone. Almost anyone would understand what Neil was doing.

“It’s going to last forever.” 

If he weren’t as panicked, Todd knows that he would have been able to follow Neil’s train of thought. “What are you talking about?”

“This feeling, Todd!” Neil yells. “This dreadful feeling is going to last forever. It’s never going to end!”

This wasn’t his Neil talking. Sure, Neil had his moments, but never like this. No matter how dark things got, Neil was never the type to abandon hope. Tonight, however, he seemed to have thrown hope off the roof like a cheap desk set. “Neil, that isn’t true. Just come over here and we can talk about it.”

“What’s the point? My father is officially taking me out of here tomorrow morning. The only reason I’m even here right now is because I told him I had to get my things in order. It doesn’t matter what I do or how well I do it. I’m trapped!” Neil shouts.

Neil leaving Welton? It couldn’t happen. Todd couldn’t let that happen. “He can’t just take you away like that.”

“Of course he can! Didn’t you know that I have no say in my own life? Didn’t you know that I don’t get to decide what my future looks like?” Neil says with a bitter laugh. “Or maybe I do.”

“Neil…” Todd warns. He was trying his best to keep calm, but Neil was scaring him. He didn’t know how to handle this Neil. He didn’t know what to do to help this Neil. 

“This,” Neil says as gestures towards the ledge. “could be me making a decision about my future.”

“No.”

“No?” Neil asks as he turns to face Todd for the first time during their conversation. “What do you mean ‘no’?”

_You’ve got his attention, now keep it._ “The same way you meant it when you told me no.”

“Todd, I’ve probably told you no on numerous occasions about a million different things. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Neil says back.

“Yes you do,” Todd starts. “You told me that I could be someone and I said no. I told you that I was nothing like you. When I speak, no one listens and that’s just how it is.”

“That isn’t true.”

“Let me finish,” Todd says. “You asked if I thought I could be someone like that and I said no. I told you to butt out because I was more than capable of taking care of myself. All I wanted was for you to leave me alone that night just like how you want me to leave you alone now, but you didn’t.”

“I told you no.” Neil says numbly.

“You told me no. You didn’t let me wallow in that awful feeling. I didn’t realize when you said it, but I know that feeling that Van Gogh was talking about now even if those weren’t his actual last words! And Neil, you’re not trapped!” Todd explains. 

“How so?” Neil asks. _Keep going. Just keep talking._

“Your father is the one trying to trap you, right?” Todd asks. He waits for a nod from Neil and then continues. “So don’t let him trap you and more importantly, don’t trap yourself. You and I, we both have a habit of letting these kinds of things consume us. Don’t let it consume you, Neil. There’s way too much to lose.”

“You really think so?” Neil asks quietly.

“You didn’t see yourself on that stage tonight, Neil. The other day you were confused when I didn’t agree that The Starry Night was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.” Todd takes a breath. He wants to stop here, but he needs to say this. Neil needs to hear it. “Sure, The Starry Night is beautiful and I would be lying to you if I said it hadn't evoked some kind of emotion in me, but that beauty and emotion is nothing compared to what you made me and everyone in that theater feel tonight. Nothing could ever compare to you, Neil. Not a damn thing. You are, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”

It takes Todd a second to realize that Neil is laughing. “You’re laughing.” Todd sighs. 

“I am.” Neil says as he begins to take a few steps towards Todd. “I am absolutely laughing.”

“You’re laughing at me.” Todd repeats.

Neil shakes his head at that. “No, not at you.”

“Then what is it? What are you laughing at, Neil?” Todd asks.

“Only you could take a situation this depressing and somehow make it into something completely different.” Neil explains as he stops in front of Todd. A familiar dryness fills Todd’s throat, but he doesn’t look away. This time _he_ needs to hear what _Neil_ has to say. “I don’t know what I came up here to do, but I’m almost positive I didn’t see it ending like this. I was laughing because you surprised me, Todd. I was laughing because you somehow made me feel light when I was seconds from making a very big mistake. Thank you, Todd.”

“For making you laugh?” Todd asks.

That earns another laugh from Neil as he begins to shake his head again. “For being here. Thank you for always being here.”

“Déjà vu.” Todd remarks. “A little too much of it for one conversation. How about we head back to our room? It’s freezing out here.”

“Okay, let’s go home.” Neil says.

_Home. Neil considered their room his home. Home._ The word seems to warm Todd up instantly. But regardless of how warm the word makes him feel, he’s had enough of this particular roof for one night. He wants to go home. 

“Todd?” Neil calls. He hadn’t moved from his spot when Todd had. He hadn’t moved an inch. “I…”

“Appreciate me?” Todd finishes. They’d revisited multiple past conversations tonight. Todd remembered how this one ended even though he sort of wished he didn’t.

“Love you.” Neil says. “I love you, Todd.”

That was not how this conversation had once ended. This new addition had left him tongue tied in a completely different way than the last one had, but Todd was a poet and love was something to stay alive for. Neil had chosen love and beauty and most importantly, Neil Perry had chosen life.

Now, it was Todd’s turn to make a decision. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! i've always really wanted to write anderperry and i finally did<3 as anything anderperry related this one is for kalina, thank you for always hyping up my work and letting me bounce ideas off of you! i hope you guys like this and if you've never heard it you should definitely listen to vincent by don mclean it's so beautiful!
> 
> follow me on social media!  
twitter: strayminhos  
book twitter: lightwoodfrays  
curiouscat (ask me stuff here!): strayminhos  
tumblr: foxesjostens


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